Setting Boundaries - Part 1

This is an old blog post I did a number of years ago, but one I still feel is very relevant. I am happy to say I have healthy boundaries now and healthy neighbours too :-)

As I enter fully into this New Year, I truly acknowledge that I am shedding old parts of myself. I feel a bit like a snake shedding its skin as I let go of behaviours and ways of being that no longer serve me.

Part of this shift is acknowledging and setting my boundaries – something I admit that I haven’t been too clear about in the past – mostly because of the views and opinions I have about myself. Over the last few months however I have been getting really clear about what boundaries mean to me and the areas in which I need to set them.

So what are boundaries exactly? I believe boundaries are invisible lines that we draw around ourselves that define who we are and what is acceptable. Boundaries are about a healthy respect for self and others – you are consciously clear what is acceptable and what is not. If you have difficulty seeing the benefit of boundaries, consider children. They thrive on boundaries and when they are clear on what their boundaries are, they are confident, stable and have a knowingness of where they fit in and belong.

As you know, what we create in our lives is usually a direct reflection of what is happening inside of ourselves. So if you are attracting people that violate your boundaries, what thoughts, feelings and beliefs are you really holding about yourself? What unconscious messages are you putting out there that make this behaviour acceptable to you and to them? Setting boundaries is not only what we need to do externally. Often boundary setting is also about looking inwards and seeing what we need to change about ourselves before we start changing the external.

Conversely there are times too when you just need to stop being the nice girl and tell someone to just (excuse my French), Fuck Off. Women are pretty much raised to fit in, not rock the boat, be nice, and BEHAVE. Not only is this disempowering but habits run deep, so if you played the nice girl as a child, you’re probably playing the nice girl as a adult. If someone is violating you in any way, child or adult, it is never acceptable and not always about you being responsible for attracting it. Sometimes shit happens and people will try it on - until you tell them otherwise :-)

If your boundaries are triggered, communicate (when appropriate) what you need and what is acceptable clearly and concisely. You don’t need to drop a bombshell and start enforcing your boundaries with fierce determination. After a while you will probably find that your boundaries are no longer tested as people intuitively pick up on what is appropriate and acceptable. Healthy boundaries give you the space to truly be yourself and might find that you start attracting people into your life that nourish and support you.

Setting new boundaries can be a confronting when things have been a certain way for a length of time. But if you want the same result, keep doing the same thing. And if you want a different result, then do something differently. Start by having those conversations, start by building your self-respect and start by asking yourself what’s acceptable and what’s not. Remember you don’t ever need to be fixed - you just need to be more of who you truly are.

Read ‘Setting Boundaries Part 2’